For the new person receiving counseling for the first time, sessions are 50 min so it’s important for me to gather information and get to the origin of current issues. I’m like a facilitator in helping people express their needs in a way that your partner hears you. You bring up the issues that are troubling you, I help you stay focused on current issues and sometimes I see the problem differently, originally from the timing of the attempted dialog of a person and how the other person responds. Timing and how the information is shared is important.
The goal is to communicate 3 top problems, address them in a positive manner using words like I feel so the other person doesn’t get defensive and own your contribution to the issues not excuses. Problems are not one sided we all contribute to the problem so also should contribute to the solution. It’s hard to gather all info on only one appt. or address all problems. If the other person hears you, shares how they feel and how they see things and agrees to a compromise that you both agree we are having success but like I said before I’m a guide to the flow of the information.
Many times women and men do not realize how they are communicating their needs. Women try to settle disagreements by text when a husband is at work. Men can only focus on one thing at work so that timing is not good, things escalate and men sometimes end up ignoring their partner, thinking things will clear up on their own. Its important for men to express timing is not good I know your wanting to talk about… lets do it after dinner. By men ignoring issues women start escalating tone and language to the point things can become disrespectful or demanding.
Women need quality time from their partner to address issues they see and will continue the same topic until they feel heard.
Men think I’m going to ignore it and hope it just goes away or they are afraid to bring up a topic and it turns to a 2 hour argument so they might avoid all talk wanting to unwind from work and that stress. Timing is important, so not by text and during work or while they are busy on a task or hobby at home. I feel who ever is having an issue has the “floor’ they express how they feel and wait for the other to process the info. and attempt to provide an explanation after I think saying I didn’t realize I was doing it, I will work on that makes a huge difference for women but stick to one problem at a time.
I feel men want to feel appreciated for what they do and want their needs met with as little stress as possible. They are very literal so ask for what you need don’t imply and say when you need extra time don’t under estimate like I said they are literal.
Daily compliments and check ins help things not build up. I believe a chore list for all household members helps plus for families with children do not reward children for disrespect, bad grades or not doing their chores. Expensive gifts need to be earned , it creates work ethics that nothing comes for free and respect should be modeled by parents. If they get attention when they are loud and disrespectful that behavior gets reinforced.
For the person that has a mean dominating partner, its important to let them speak and then repeat did you just say…. helping them hear what they just said many people when they get angry say many things they don’t mean and many times would say I never said that. Its important not to curse at each other even when joking or use insults because you have had enough and if things get too heated please say. I feel things are getting too heated lets take a time out for like 30 min to calm down but leave the addressing of problems to after a-while when the person gets home not immediately that can be stressful for anyone. Discourage the other from calling you multiple times a day that can bad habit can lead to stress and arguments but don’t ignore people when they are angry or passionate that makes things worse.
I believe our needs from childhood or even from the last prior relationship leads to needs not met and needing to be addressed humor helps some to deescalate.
I will give you home assignments to improve your relationship and help you explore further things in follow-up sessions.